


Love Hurts

by Whovian_bth



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt, Love, thasmin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-04
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-10-22 11:42:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17661941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whovian_bth/pseuds/Whovian_bth
Summary: The doctor loves Yaz, but she can’t let anything happen. She’s scared, she knows she will only hurt her in the end. Travelling with the doctor is dangerous enough but being in a relationship with her is ten times worse. So, she pushes her away.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Apologies for any bad writing, I had an idea but can't write.

Yaz had been falling in love with the doctor from the day she literally fell into her life, she never stopped amazing her. She was beautiful, smart and strong. How could she not fall in love.

It started when innocent touches started to linger, and hugs lasted longer. There were plenty of times Yaz could have done something, when they were alone pulling away from a hug but holding each other close, she would see the doctor’s eyes flicker down and hers would do the same, all she wanted was to lean in and kiss her, but she let the moment pass, every time.

Then that evening on New Year's day after they had defeated the Dalek, Yaz had found herself alone with the doctor and the doctor pulled her in for a kiss that was over before it even started. The doctor had disappeared before Yaz had even realised what had happened then went back to normal the next day, pretending it didn’t happen.

\----

The doctor didn’t know what came over her. She knew she was falling for Yaz, she tried to hide it but couldn’t resist the little touches and hugs. The worst was that she knew Yaz felt the same and she could never let anything happen. She was determined to not let it get any further than just a close friendship, for Yaz’s sake.

Then the night of New Year’s Day happened. She was filled with so many emotions, knowing that she could have lost her friends, that she could have lost Yaz. But her heart overpowered her brain that night and she leaned in and kissed her. She let herself enjoy it for a moment before stepping away. She quickly retreated, realising there was no way of passing that off as a close friendship anymore, so she chose to ignore it, ignore Yaz.

But then she found herself alone with Yaz in the console room. There was no escape, this was happening.


	2. Chapter 2

“Doctor?” Yaz calls out softly.

The doctor stopped what she was doing at the console, laying her hands flat and leaning forwards. Taking a moment before plastering a fake smile on her face and turning around.

“Yaz” she said cheerily “not tired?”

“Doctor” Yaz said again walking towards her and she watched as the doctor’s smile falls from her face and she looks down to the floor.

“We need to talk” Yaz continues.

“Do we?” the doctor looks back up at her, their eyes meeting.

“Doctor you can’t pretend nothing’s happening”

“What? What’s happening?” the doctor feigns ignorance.

“Stop it. Stop playing games. Even you can’t talk your way out of that kiss” Yaz said with slight irritation in her voice.

The doctor takes a step forward and places her hand on Yaz’s arm “I’m not playing games Yaz” she says softly, their eyes meeting.

“Then what is this?” Yaz frowns gesturing between the two of them.

The doctor takes another step closer allowing herself to be consumed by her eyes, she leans in slowly. They are so close she can feel Yaz’s hot breath on her lips. But she steps back, regaining her self-control. She looks back at Yaz’s face and is met with both hurt and confusion.

“Yaz…” she starts but isn’t sure how to finish “we can’t do this” she steps back again.

“Why?” Yaz’s voice cracks slightly.

“I’m no good for you Yaz” the doctor looks back down at the floor not wanting to watch the hurt in Yaz’s eyes “You deserve so much better. I shouldn’t have led you on, I’m sorry.”

“Who decides what I deserve” Yaz said slightly angered as she steps towards the doctor “You? Why do you get to decide doctor?”

“You just need to trust me on this one Yaz” the doctor laughs flatly and turns back to the console, fiddling with the controls. She sighs letting her head hang, she wanted this so much, maybe even more than Yaz. But she couldn’t let it happen, it would cause them both too much heart ache in the end. She already puts Yaz and the others in danger every time they step out of the Tardis, letting Yaz get closer to her would only make it more dangerous. Her mind wonders to Rose and she swipes away the tear that she couldn’t stop falling, then she feels warm hands on her arms. She turns.

“Doctor I get it, it's scary, trust me I know that. But we have to try” Yaz strokes the doctor's arm trying to reassure her.

The doctor realised Yaz was never going to give up, she had let it get too far, she had let her fall in love, and she hated herself for it. There was only one thing left she could think of doing and it was not going to be easy. She stepped away from Yaz, shaking her hands off her arms, her face turning cold and emotionless.

“Yaz, you need to get over me. What you think there is between us is nothing.”

“So that kiss was nothing was it?” Yaz half shouts.

“Exactly” the doctor spat back keeping her face from showing her true emotions “it was a mistake, so much happened that day. I don’t know why I kissed you, but I wish I didn’t.” The doctor could see the hurt flash across Yaz’s face.

“I don’t believe you, you’re just trying to push me away” Yaz tries to reach out to the doctor again but she bats her hand away.

“Really?” the doctor yells, she grabs Yaz’s wrist and pulls her over to where the monitor is on the console and fiddles with the controls. Pictures of other women start appearing on the screen, most of them young around Yaz’s age. The doctor starts spouting out names as the pictures flash across the screen.

“Amy, Clara, Martha, Sarah-Jane… Rose” she says the last name softly then turns and switches the screen off.

“Believe me now! You are just one in a long line Yaz, don’t waste your life following me waiting for something to happen because it never will.” She takes a deep breath “I don’t love you Yaz!” the doctor shouts trying to hide the pain and sadness with anger. This seems to work, Yaz takes a step back and the doctor can see the tears forming in her eyes. She wants nothing more than to reach out and cradle her in her arms, take away the pain that she had just caused, but this was the only way.

Yaz stares at her in shock as if waiting for the doctor to take it all back, say she didn’t mean it, but she doesn’t. The doctor turns back to the console, pretending to fiddle with something, making sure Yaz doesn’t see her own tears. She hears the light footsteps disappearing out the room and lets out a breath, letting her tears fall, trying to remind herself that she had to do that, it was the only way to keep her safe.


	3. Chapter 3

Yaz awoke the next morning, lying on her bed, still in yesterdays clothes. Her eyes stung and her skin felt tight from the tears. She remembered back to last night, the harsh words the doctor had said. She remembered retreating to her room, no longer able to look at her face. She collapsed on her bed and cried herself to sleep.

Once she’d showered and got dressed, she made her way into the console room, hoping Ryan and Graham were already up. She heard Ryan’s laughter as she walked down the corridor and it eased her mood slightly. As she walked into the room, she was met with Graham’s smiling face.

“You alright Yaz? You don’t look well.” He said looking at her concerned.

Obviously, her makeup hadn’t done a good enough job of hiding her sleepless night, “I’m fine, just didn’t sleep well is all.”

Graham nodded, thankfully accepting her excuse and not pushing further. She glanced over to the doctor and noticed she was staring at her as well, Yaz noticed a flicker of concern and sympathy before she turned back to the console.

“So where to next fam?” the doctor said, running around the console pulling levers. It wasn’t fair, Yaz thought, the doctor had sprung back to normal while Yaz still felt so terrible.

“Can we have a calm one today doc?” Graham asked “I don’t think I’ve recovered from yesterday” he chuckled rubbing his back as if to prove his point.

“How about a resort planet, it orbits Jangra IV so always has the perfect sunset. Cocktails on the beach under the sunset? There’s a slight chance of being attacked by robots but that probably won’t happen if we land the right time of year” she grinned already punching in the coordinates. 

“Sounds great” Ryan said walking over to Yaz.

“Yeah sounds good doc, but what was that about robots?” Graham asked concerned.

“It will be fine Graham, honestly you worry too much.” The doctor smirked at him. “Yaz?” she asked softly, stopping what she was doing to let her gaze fall on the younger girl.

“Yeah, whatever, I don’t mind” Yaz said averting her gaze.

The doctor nodded slightly and continued pulling levers, making the Tardis shake slightly.

“Are you ok?” Ryan said quietly to Yaz.

“Yeah I’m fine, just tired” Yaz looked up at him trying to plaster a fake smile on her face, Ryan could see straight through it though.

“No, you’re not, Yaz, talk to me” he said putting his hand on her shoulder reassuringly. 

Yaz looked at him for a second then said “later” quietly before walking over to join Graham and the doctor, who was heading towards the doors.

They stepped out the doors and Yaz was momentarily distracted from her pain, by the beautiful view. It really was the best sunset she had ever seen. They had landed directly on the sand, it smelt exactly like the holidays she used to spend down at Blackpool, I mixture of the sea and various food smells. She turned to look at the doctor and noticed she was smiling at her instead of the view. She was quickly brought back to reality, her smile dropped as she looked at the doctor and she noticed the doctors doing the same, again concern flashing across her face.

“Come on then let’s find a spot” the doctor started walking forwards then stopped “oh wait, I forgot” and she dashed back in the Tardis, leaving her friends looking confused.

Graham leaned in through the doors “err, doc?”

“Just a minute” they heard her shout back before appearing a moment later with a big bag slung over her shoulder and folding chairs under her arms. She struggled out the Tardis, trying not to drop anything, grinning at them.

Ryan laughed, shaking his head as he reached over and took most the chairs, leaving the doctor carrying the bag and one chair.

“Right, lets get a shift on” and for the second time the doctor started marching forwards looking for the perfect spot to set up base.

They finally found somewhere and laid out the chairs.

“There’s swim wear and towels in there, just in case you want to go for a swim” she gestured to the bag at her feet as she slumped down on the chair. Yaz followed suit, sitting in the chair furthest away from the her, but Graham and Ryan stayed standing.

“We can go get some drinks” Ryan said, looking over to the various food and drinks stands.

“Do you want some help?” Yaz said, making to stand.

“No, its fine, only needs two of us really” Graham smiled at her then turned to the doctor “I don’t think they’re going to take our British pounds though” he raised his eyebrows at the doctor.

“Oh, right. Yes. Money.” The doctor started fishing around in her pockets, pulling out various knick-knacks before pulling out what looked like a metal memory stick and handing it over to Graham.

“This should have enough credits on it”

“Thanks, back in a bit” Graham smiled at them both before walking away with Ryan.

They were alone, just Yaz and the doctor, neither knowing what to say.

The doctor broke the silence first.

“Are you ok?” she asked softly, keeping her eyes on the crashing waves in front of her.

“No! You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to be mean and nasty and mess with my feelings, then act as if you care.” Yaz turned angrily to the doctor and the doctor turned to look at her, wishing she hadn’t when she saw the tears falling down her angry face.

“Yaz I do care-” the doctor started but was cut off when as Yaz gets up and mumbles “I’m going to help the boys” before rushing away in the same direction as Ryan and Graham. The doctor watches her walk, and sighs sinking back into her chair. At least anger was better than hurt and pain, she thought, it means she’s moving on. She focuses back on the waves once more, trying not to think about Yaz. 

 

Yaz manages to find Ryan and Graham, rather quickly, pushing through various species to get to them.

“Yaz!” Graham seems shocked to see her “everything ok?”

“err, yeah. I just thought I would come help you, you know decide what to get us.” Yaz lies quickly.

Graham nods, looking back over at the list of different drinks on sale but Ryan watches her, noticing something was still wrong. He puts his hand on her shoulder again and she looks up at him, she is met with a look of sympathy and smiles in return remembering the talk they were supposed to have.

Once they had got the drinks they started walking back towards the doctor when Ryan stopped.

“Actually” he turned to Graham “Do you mind if me and Yaz go for a quick walk?”

Graham looked at him slightly concerned.

“Don’t worry, we won’t get lost” Ryan reassured him.

“Ok, but don’t go far” Graham says patting him on the shoulder and taking the doctor's drink.

Ryan turns to Yaz with a questioning expressing, checking it was ok with her. The further away from the doctor at the moment was probably for the best, she was now getting angry about how angry she was making her. How she could stay so calm when Yaz had so many emotions running through her right now, every time she saw the doctor, she both wanted to shout at her and hug her. She nodded at Ryan, turning to walk in the opposite direction.

 

 Graham returned to the doctor and handed her a drink.

“Where’s Ryan and Yaz?” the doctor questioned, looking around and behind Graham.

“They went for a walk, said they wouldn’t be long” Graham replied settling in the seat next to the doctor with his drink.

“Oh, that’s nice. They haven’t had much chance to hang out recently. I hear they used to be good friends at school” the doctor thought back to a conversation she had with Yaz about her childhood.

“Yeah and between you and me I think he’s got a thing for her” Graham said with a chuckle.

“Oh yeah, why’d you think that? Has he said so?” the doctor tried to hide her sudden jealousy.

“Well not in so many words, I see how he watches her though and he was asking me advice about asking a girl out not long ago and bearing in mind we’ve been travelling with you for about two months and I’m assuming he’s not talking about you” Graham smiled at the doctor raising his eyebrows.

The doctor felt the jealousy burning through her. She wondered how she had managed to miss the signs but then realised she was too busy staring at Yaz herself. Why wouldn’t Ryan be into her, the doctor thought, she’s amazing. The idea of Ryan and Yaz started running through her mind, she remembered Yaz saying she was bi, so she guessed it was completely plausible.

“Do you think she likes him?” she turned to ask Graham trying not to sound too desperate.

“Hmm, what?” Graham had returned to watching the waves underneath the sunset as he sipped his drink.

“Yaz. Do you think she likes Ryan as well?”

“I dunno, like you said they were close once, maybe. Why don’t you ask her, your proper close aren’t you?” Graham glanced back over to the doctor.

“Yeah. Maybe” the doctor muttered returning her attention back to her drink.


	4. Chapter 4

Ryan and Yaz walked along the beach in silence for a bit, sipping their drinks every now and then until Ryan spoke.

“So, what’s up?” Ryan asked, keeping his gaze along the beach.

“It’s nothing really, just a silly fight with the doctor” Yaz tried to brush it off.

“It doesn’t seem like nothing, you look like you’ve spent the night crying. What was the fight about?” Ryan continued.

“The usual, us putting our self in danger, the doctor wanting to keep us safe.” Yaz partially lied.

“She’s always like that though, I mean, you have to admit we are fragile compared to her” Ryan chuckled slightly “don’t tell her I said that though.”

“Yeah, I guess” Yaz thought about it for a bit “but I’m a trained police officer and she treats me like a toddler.” Her anger returning slightly.

“She just cares about you Yaz, we all do” Ryan trailed off at the end.

“Yeah, cares” Yaz scoffed.

“Yaz, she does care. I don’t think she shows it very well sometimes, but she does” Ryan turned to look at Yaz, who had gone quiet.

“Are you cold?” he asked as he noticed her shivering slightly.

“Yeah, I didn’t think to bring my coat when she said beach.” Yaz was happy with the change of subject and suddenly felt something being wrapped around her shoulders. Ryan had taken off his jacket and given it to Yaz.

They continued to walk, chatting about random things until they decided they had gone too far and they should start heading back to the doctor and Graham. Yaz’s mood had improved at least, she felt better knowing she had Ryan on her side.

 

The next few weeks were less active than the previous ones, they spent a few more days on the resort planet, then moved on to various other places and times, somehow managing not to run into any trouble.

Ryan and Yaz grew closer, they spent more time together, had late night chats, it was like Ryan was replacing the doctor in Yaz’s life. Yaz was happy, it was helping her get over the doctor having a close friend like Ryan.

The doctor, however, was growing more frustrated through jealousy, after what Graham had told her, she started to notice the way Ryan looked at Yaz, the way he hugged her and comforted her, that used to be her job. She tried to remind herself that if this is what it took for Yaz to be safe from her then she needed to let it go, let her go.

It was all going well, on Yaz’s part at least, until one night at a fancy party on a planet Yaz couldn’t even pronounce, they danced, drank, ate lavish food and generally had a good time. Ryan had asked Yaz to dance and she agreed, although she felt like they were stumbling across the dance floor rather than dancing, as if they didn’t quite fit but Yaz still had fun. She watched as the doctor observed them from a nearby table with far too many empty glasses surrounding her. Ryan span her into the middle of the dancefloor and when she looked back over to the table she was gone, then a second later she felt a tap on her shoulder, she slowed and turned her head to see the doctor.

“May I have this dance?” she said holding out a hand and taking a second to glance over to Ryan who let go of Yaz stepping back.

Yaz nodded and took the doctor’s hand.

The doctor took hold of Yaz and placed her arm around her back, pulling her close. The doctor took lead, spinning them around the dancefloor. It was different to dancing with Ryan, they seemed to fit and glide across the dancefloor.

“You and Ryan?” the doctor said, not sure exactly what she was asking.

“What about me and Ryan?”

“You seem to be getting close” the doctor said pulling Yaz in slightly and dancing slower as the songs beat changed.

“Yeah well, he cares about me, he’s a good friend, wants to make sure I’m ok.”

“I don’t think that’s all he wants” the doctor said, leaning back slightly so she could see Yaz’s face. They hadn’t been this close in a while, the doctor missed it, the feel of Yaz in her arms felt so right. She had forgotten how beautiful she was, that and the five or six drinks she had in the last hour was making it very hard not to lean in and kiss her.

“What do you mean?” Yaz asked, bringing the doctor out of her thoughts.

“You mean you really can’t see it?” the doctor watched Yaz shake her head, she was almost relieved, maybe there really was nothing going on between them.

“He likes you Yaz, like really likes you” the doctor explains.

“What! Of course he doesn’t, we’re just friends” Yaz said suddenly shocked.

“Yeah to you maybe, not to him” the doctor was grinning at her now.

Yaz considered it for a bit, replayed their time together and made the connections.

“Oh” she whispered upon realisation. Then she thought about it some more.

“Is that why you’ve been so off with Ryan recently?” she looked up at the doctors face “are you jealous?” she grinned.

“No” the doctor said defensively “like you just said, there’s no you and him to be jealous of.”

“Maybe not now” Yaz contemplated.

“Oh come on Yaz, you had no interest in him till I brought it up and what, now that you know I was jealous you are interested?” the doctor scoffed.

“I thought you said you weren’t jealous” Yaz smirked at the doctor.

The doctor looked at her and as the song changed again slowly let go of her hand, wrapping her arms around her waist and bringing her closer.

“Maybe I was a bit jealous” she whispered into Yaz’s ear as Yaz wrapped her arms around her neck.

“What does it matter to you anyway? I’m not yours, you didn’t want me” Yaz’s voice dropped and the doctor could hear the hurt still in her words, she pulled her closer.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you Yaz” she spoke into her ear.

“Really?” Yaz scoffed “because it didn’t seem like that to me”

“I’m sorry” the doctor whispered.

Yaz ignored her “So why do you care? I thought we didn’t have anything, that you didn’t love me.”

The doctor didn’t reply so Yaz continued “what, you push me away but then can’t watch me be happy with anyone else?”

“Yaz, you don’t even like him like that. You just admitted it.” The doctor replied trying to keep her voice calm.

“No, I like him, I just didn’t realise he liked me like that. Maybe we can be happy. Maybe he can give me what you refuse to.” Yaz knew she was saying this to wind the doctor up, even hurt her, but she couldn’t stop herself.

“Are you really going to pursue him, just to get at me” the doctor was struggling to contain her frustration.

“Why do you assume I’m doing it to get at you. The world doesn’t revolve around you doctor.” Yaz was getting irritated now, partially because she knew the doctor could see straight through her.

“Ok Yaz go for it. You have my blessing” the doctor sneered.

Yaz let go of the doctor and stepped back, “I don’t need your blessing” she shouted before walking away, leaving the doctor alone on the dance floor.

“Well, that went well” the doctor muttered to herself before she turned to follow Yaz off the dance floor.


	5. Chapter 5

Yaz found Graham sat at a table on his own and went to join him, he greeted her with a smile. The doctor joined them a couple seconds later, sitting the other side of Graham.

She scanned the room and noticed Ryan dancing with a very pretty girl.

“Not dancing Graham?” the doctor said, back to her cheery self.

“No, I’m not as agile as I once was” he chuckled.

Yaz spaced out as the doctor and Graham chatted, thinking about Ryan and what the doctor had said. She had only said those things to the doctor to wind her up but now she was actually thinking about it. Maybe there was something between them, they did have fun when they were together, and he made her feel safe. She was brought out of her thoughts when she felt a hand on her arm, jumping slightly as she turned to see Ryan taking a seat beside her.

“Alright jumpy” he sniggered. She smiled at him and noticed the girl he was dancing with at the bar.

“You’re in with a chance with her” she said motioning towards the girl. Ryan followed her gaze then turned back to her shrugging his shoulders.

“Not really my type”

Yaz looked at the girl again “Really? She’s very pretty. If you don’t I will” she chuckled.

“Nah, I’ve kind of got my eye on someone else.”

Yaz could feel his eyes on her, and she felt her cheeks burning a little. She glanced over at the doctor who was both listening to Graham and observing their conversation. She turned to face Ryan.

“Oh yeah?” she raised her eyebrow at him, she wasn’t quite sure what she was doing. She was definitely not thinking anything through.

“Err… Yeah actually” Ryan stammered. He took her hands “there’s actually something I’ve been meaning to ask you.”  

Yaz looked down at their hands and back up to Ryan, his hands felt clammy. She knew what was coming, she could stop it now before it gets too far but she doesn’t. She nods at him to continue.

“erm… right. Yeah. I wanted to know whether maybe… maybe you would want to go on a date” he babbled “with me. A date with me.” He was staring at her with those big brown eyes, Yaz could see how nervous he was. She glanced over at the doctor, her and Graham had stopped talking and were now watching her and Ryan. The doctor raised her eyebrows at Yaz as if asking whether she was really going to go through with it. She looked back to Ryan, he was looking worried now, she realised how long she hadn’t spoken for.

“A date? Like a date date?” she didn’t even know why she was asking, she knew the answer. She just wanted to buy herself time.

“Yeah, like dinner or something” Ryan stuttered.

“Dinner or something” Yaz muttered, contemplating for a moment “Yeah. Why not” she smiled at Ryan who let out a big breath.

“Great” he grinned at her “how about tomorrow night?”

“Sure, sounds good”

“Okay, date, tomorrow” he muttered as he stood up “I’m going to get another drink, do you want something?” he asked her still with a silly grin on his face.

“Surprise me” she smirked at him as he nearly tripped trying to walk to the bar.

“I’ll go with him, make sure he gets there in one piece” Graham said as he got up and followed Ryan to the bar.

The doctor moved to sit in the seat opposite her, leaning forwards.

“Don’t do this for the wrong reasons” she said seriously.

Yaz said nothing in reply and the doctor moved back to her seat. The truth was that Yaz didn’t know the reasons she was doing this. She felt like she was 15 again, she was confused and didn’t know how she felt. Was she going on a date because she really liked Ryan or was it a rebound, she didn’t want to hurt Ryan, lead him on, but she didn’t know where it was leading herself.

They had a few more drinks then retired to the Tardis for the night. Ryan hung back with the doctor when the other two went to sleep.

“Hey, doc?” Ryan said making the doctor jump.

“Oh Ryan, I thought you had gone to bed”

“In a bit” he walked over to her “I was wondering whether you could take me and Yaz somewhere for our date tomorrow night?”

“Like where?” the doctor turned to face him, trying not to act jealous again.

“I dunno. I want to take her out for dinner, I don’t want it to be too much, but I want to impress her you know” Ryan tried to explain.

The doctor nodded “I know just the place”. She smiled, it was actually somewhere she had thought about taking Yaz when she let her daydreams wonder too much. It was a psychic restaurant that was able to read your mind to give you the meal you wanted, exactly how you wanted it to be cooked. If you have memories of a childhood meal this place could replicate, not just the taste but the feelings as well. Yaz had often told her about the different meals her mum and Nani would cook her as a child, she thought this would be perfect. If she couldn’t take her there then she figured Ryan taking her would be the next best thing, after all she was going through this so that Yaz could be happy and if Ryan could give her that then why should she stop it.

“Okay thanks, doc” Ryan yawned “see you tomorrow” he went to leave but the doctor stopped him.

“Wait” she shouted after him, following him down the steps. “I just need to know, you and Yaz, when did that happen?” He turned around slightly puzzled.

“I don’t know, it just kind of happened. You know that feeling when you realise it’s not just friendship, where you can’t go a conversation without wanting to kiss them.” Ryan explained, turning red briefly as he realised what he had just admitted.

“Yeah” the doctor sighed “Yeah I know that feeling” she said quietly.

“Do you love her?” the doctor blurted out before she could stop herself.

“Woah, that’s a strong word doctor” Ryan chuckled “I don’t think so, though, not yet. Why?”

“Oh, you know, she’s my friend, I’m just looking out for her.”

Ryan nodded

“Just look after her Ryan, she really does deserve the best” the doctor continued patting him on the shoulder.

“I will don’t worry” he smiled at her “Goodnight doc”.

She watched him walk away then leaned against the wall and sighed. As much as she wanted Yaz to be happy she didn’t know how she was going to manage to travel with the two of them if this worked out. She started to wonder whether she had made a mistake, maybe they could have been happy together, maybe she could have kept her safe. But she pushed those thoughts aside, it was too late now.


	6. Chapter 6

It was the night of Yaz and Ryan’s date and as promised the doctor had parked the Tardis outside the restaurant she had picked. She debated letting Ryan know where it was and then heading to bed or the library so she didn’t have to face Yaz, but she thought it would be better to stick around just in case they needed her.

Ryan was first to appear, dressed in jeans, a shirt and a smart blazer.

“What do ya think?” he said opening his blazer and turning on the sport, smirking at the doctor.

“Very smart” she smiled at him “You nervous?”

“Can you tell?” he looked worried.

“No, I just figured, it being a first date and all”

“Oh, yeah, I just want it to go well you know” he explained. The doctor nodded.

“What if it goes wrong?” he continued nervously “What if we haven’t got a connection after all?”

“It’s a first date, Ryan. First dates are to figure out all that, if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out and you go back to being friends” the doctor tried to reassure him without grinning at the possibility that it may not actually work out.

“Wow”

The doctor was brought out of her thoughts when she heard Ryan, turning to see what he was staring at she saw Yaz. She was dressed in a short black lacey dress that flared slightly at the bottom, it hugged her figure beautifully. She had let her hair stay naturally curly and it sat perfectly on her shoulders. She really did look beautiful, the doctor thought, she was about to tell her this but was beat by Ryan, thankfully reminding her that it was not her place anymore.

“You look beautiful” Ryan said walking towards her.

“Thank you” she grinned at him “not so bad yourself”

“Ready?” he held out his arm for her and she walked towards him and took it. The doctor watched as they walked out the door and heard Ryan shouting “Don’t wait up” before the doors slammed.

 

The doctor stayed in the console room busying herself with some repairs she was supposed to do a while back, she convinced herself she wasn’t waiting for them to return just being cautious.

The Tardis whirred at her loudly.

“I’m just making sure I’m here if they need me, they are on an alien planet after all” she looked up at the ceiling.

There was another buzzing noise slightly louder.

“I am not hoping it goes wrong” she shouts angrily, “anyway I can’t do anything even if it does go wrong, I pushed her away”

Then there’s a low hum.

“I know” she muttered, “She wants Ryan now though, I can’t ruin that by giving her false hope.”

She ignored the Tardis’s protest while she worked, trying to take her mind off everything.

 

It had been about three hours since the two had left for their date, which must mean it was going well, the doctor thought. She w'as just coming back from grabbing a few of her tools when she heard the Tardis doors open and the pair stumbled in giggling, clearly, they’d had a drink. The doctor hung back trying not to be seen, but unable to draw herself away. She couldn’t really hear what they were saying but they sounded happy.

They seemed to be talking for a bit, not moving away from the entrance of the Tardis. The doctor noticed they were standing very close, Ryan touching Yaz’s arm or shoulder every now and then. Then she watched as Ryan but his hand under her chin and lifted it up, she watched as he leaned in and she watched as they kissed. She couldn’t take it anymore, she couldn’t take watching Ryan kiss the woman she was in love with and she turned around quietly retreating back to her room as the tears fell down her face.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for how late this final update is, I got swamped with deadlines.

Yaz froze for a second as Ryan leant in to kiss her. The date had gone well, they had fun it was just like how it normally was when they hung out. But then Ryan kissed her, and it all changed. It all made sense. It didn’t feel right, not like how it felt when the doctor kissed her, it felt weird and she realised how wrong she was.

She pulled away from Ryan, taking a step back.

“Sorry” she stammered.

“What’s wrong?” Ryan asked concerned “I thought you had a good time”

“I did, its just this” she moved her hands in the space between them “It’s not what I thought”

Ryan looked at her confused.

Yaz sighed “Sorry Ryan, I feel so bad, but I don’t think anything can happen between us. I think I was getting friendship muddled up with romance. I love hanging out with you, I love chatting with you, but kissing you” she took a breath “don’t take this the wrong way but it just felt wrong” Yaz was looking at the floor unable to look Ryan in the face.

She felt his hand on her shoulder and she looked up.

“It’s ok Yaz, I get it” he said softly.

“No, it’s not, I led you on and messed with your feelings and I know how much that hurts” she looked back at the floor again.

“Yaz” he took her hands making her look up “It was just a date and to be honest it felt the same as when we hang out here, maybe we’re just better off as friends” he chuckled.

“I’m sorry Ryan, I was so confused with everything, all my feelings and the doctor and all sorts, it just messed my head up a bit” she babbled nervously.

“Yaz seriously its… Wait, what’s the doctor got to do with it” Ryan questioned her, frowning slightly.

Yaz looked at him, there were so many emotions rushing through her head, she was back to square one again, in love with a woman who doesn’t love her back. She couldn’t hold it in any longer and she spilled everything to Ryan, talking a mile a minute about everything that had gone on between her and the doctor.

“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything before, I just didn’t know where to start” Yaz said guiltily.

“It's fine, I understand. You can’t help who you fall for can you” he smiled as she looked up at him “can we just go back to our late-night chats about random crap though and next time please talk to me about this stuff, I might be able to help. Like with the doctor, do you want to know my opinion?”

Yaz nodded.

“I think it sounds like she was pushing you away, putting her defences up. She clearly loves you by the sound of it, if you're persistent then I think you could break down those walls.”

“You didn’t hear her Ryan, she was really mean, surely if you really love someone you wouldn’t hurt them like that.”

“You might if you’re really scared and love someone that much.”

Yaz thought about it for a second “You really think so?”

“Yeah, don’t let her go if you think it’s worth it” he smiled at her then stifled a yawn “do you mind if I head off to bed, I’m knackered”

Yaz shook her head “no it's fine. Goodnight and thanks for this” she leaned in and hugged him “it’s really helped.”

Yaz walked towards the main console, taking a moment to think everything through, absentmindedly stroking the cool metal, she must have picked up some of the doctor’s habits. She thought about it for a minute then made her mind up. She rushed off down the corridors and reached the one the held their bedrooms, she walked straight past her own and stopped outside the doctors, hesitating for a moment before opening it and stepping in.

She shut the door behind her scanning the room before she saw the doctor sat on the floor, her back against the bed, knees tucked up with her head buried in them.

“Doctor?” she called out.

The doctor jumped up suddenly startled.

“Yaz!” she quickly wiped away the tears.

Yaz walked towards her and noticed her red puffy eyes and tear stained face, she frowned at her.

“You’ve been crying” more of a statement than a question. The doctor took a step back, hoping the shadows would hide her face.

“No, I’m fine. What’re you doing here? What happened to your date?”

Yaz took a step closer to the doctor “it was good, we had a good time, it just…” she trailed off trying to figure out how to phrase it but was cut off by the doctor before she had chance.

“Yeah I kind of accidentally saw you two kissing” she said looking down at the ground.

“Doctor-” Yaz started but got cut off again.

“-no Yaz it's fine, you two seem great together, he makes you happy-”

“No, doctor, listen!” Yaz shouted trying to get the doctor to stop rambling. She took another step forward making the gap between them even smaller.

“He kissed me, and I let it happen for like a second and then I stopped it” she explained. The doctor was frowning so Yaz continued “I stopped it because I didn’t want to be kissing Ryan” she paused taking in a breath “I wanted to be kissing you.”

The doctors frown dropped from her face, and a small smile started to form instead.

“and I know what you said before, about us, but I just needed you to know, I’m not giving up and if that means that I’m going to be alone than I guess I’m going to be… why are you smiling like that?” the doctor's smile had slowly turned into a massive grin.

“Doctor?” Yaz waited for an answer but instead was met with the doctor’s lips on hers. She was frozen for a moment and then realised what was happening and started kissing back. It started off soft but got messy and urgent, the doctor walked forwards until Yaz’s back hit the wall, pushing her against it as she kissed her passionately.

They broke apart reluctantly to catch their breath, the doctor leaned her forehead on Yaz’s.

“I’ve wanted to do that for so long” the doctor breathed out.

“What do you mean, you’ve already kissed me once before” Yaz chuckled.

“Not properly. This time I really mean it” she pulled her head back and took Yaz’s hand “I was horrible to you Yaz and I’m so sorry. I was scared of hurting you and thought that it would keep you safe, but I only ended up hurting you more. I didn’t mean it, any of it. I love you so much Yaz, I can’t bear thinking of a life without you in it. I’m so sorry, I messed this up.”

Yaz leaned forwards leaving a soft kiss on her lips “you didn’t mess it up, granted you could have gone about it a better way” she chuckled “but you didn’t mess it up, we’re here, together. That’s all that matters now, everything else is in the past” she leaned in to kiss her again before pulling back slightly “and just in case it wasn’t obvious, I love you too.”


End file.
